Well the weekend has been and gone. I've learned many things. I have learned that if you look forward to something too much, you will be disappointed. I have learned that ecstasy can be frightening. I have learned that I did not know everything about ecstasy. You cannot even know what a bad comedown is until you have one.

Let me tell you the story...

I took half a pill. An hour and a half later (it's meant to take 40 minutes), although my pupils were massive, I still had not come up. I took the other half, gave Hiero some ganja and asked him to roll (Hehe, that sentence would be so confusing if you were American wouldn't it...) And I sat down and had a conversation with him.

We talked about what he calls "Scaryface" which is basically what somebody gets if they have too much e. Or not even "too much," just a lot. They feel really really good on the inside, but their eyes are just moving so so so quickly, like flicking from one side to the next and they can't focus on anything, and their jaw kind of... canges position, like it's at completely the wrong angle, or it rotates as if they're chewing gum even though they're not. Sometimes there's twitching of the eyelids, or other weird symptoms, and usually a person doesn't have all of them.

Anyway, it's not really a bad thing. It doesn't really mean much, and unless you point it out to a person, they won't notice that they're doing it, and they'll feel absolutely ecstastically happy. But it is so scary to look at. Grace says that her crackhead friends used to call it, "Masking" - that's what Jesse called it as well. Well Hiero nicknamed it "Scaryface" a word which now slightly terrifies me.

Anyway, I kind of forgot about the conversation and went into the livingroom, and waited to come up. And then I did start to come up, so I ran around hugging everybody, and then I got an urge to be picked up. So I think I got... I don't know, either Imran or Brendan to do it. And then both Imran and Brendan lifted me up really high and PUT ME ON THEIR SHOULDERS!!!!! I came up SO much! I was just grinning with ecstatic happiness, yelling "I'm up! I'm up! I'm up!" I was the highest person in the room and it was ... amazing. I hugged everybody again.

I told Brendan that I wanted him to "Be one of those friends with whom you talk about things you don't just talk to anyone about" That was quite fun, and I learned that the most comforting thing in the world is to lie on somebody and listen to them sing, but I've pilled with Brendan 3 times now, and I've done it only 4 times, so I decided it was time to go and get to know somebody else.

Jesse and Joe. I had a conversation with Joe in the corridor with our arms round eachother, about what it's like to have a talent. I told him I didn't have one. He told me that I did. I told him that I didn't. He told me that I did. I asked what it was like to be him.

I have two lines when I'm on pills. Things I always say. One is "Thankyou for existing" and the other is, "I want to know you better. Tell me what it's like to be you." I use the latter when on mushrooms as well sometimes.

I did a whole body dunk in the bath. Breasts plus cold water plus ecstasy equals ORGASMIC. So hard to put your clothes back on. Then I went to the loo, and while I was on the toilet, my friend from my old school phoned me. That was quite funny. I just had a conversation with him while I was on the toilet, and then remembered that I don't like phones when I'm on e. I prefer to be talking to somebody I can actually hug.

When I came downstairs I was wearing a furry duvet, and Hiero carried the end down the stairs, so it looked like I was getting married. That was hillarious. Grace asked who I was marrying, and I couldn't think of anyone so I said, "God" Grace said, "God, do you take Annie to be your lawful wedded wife? ... God... Are you out there? Hello! Hello!?"

Joe said, "Yeah, I do" Apparently Joe is God.

Most of this is all in the wrong order by the way. Anyway, at some point, I was lying in Graces room. By myself, and I was at a peak. I was very up. And well I wasn't actually by myself, Grace and Hiero were cuddled up a few meters away. And apparently I was doing the scary face thing. I know I was doing the eye thing because I could feel it, and I was chewing gum, so I'm not sure if the mouth thing was just that or if it was actually scary face. Either way I got upset, freaked out, wouldn't stay in the same room as anyone else for the rest of the evening. Quite unpleasant. Every time I saw somebody I'd ask them if I was doing it, and they'd say no, but I'd still be convinced I was.

I ended up on the sofa in the livingroom, sleeping kind of on Brendan with Sibz sleeping on me. When I woke up though, Sibz had left, and apparently it looked like Brendan and I were having sex. I wasn't concerned about this so much as I was about how cramped my fucking neck was. I moved to the other end of the sofa and tried to go back to sleep. When I couldn't, I decided that a spliff would help, so I found Cannabis in my pocket, and tobacco on the floor, but there was no rizla anywhere. I tried to wake Brendan up, but he was way too asleep, and I felt mean. So I just jacked the rizla from his tin and made a spliff. Which he woke up of his own accord just in time to smoke it. Bitch. He can roll so much better than me as well.

Anyway, I went into the kitchen where Jesse was asleep. He looked fucking scary. Both his eyes were kind of half open, his skin was greyish. He had huge bags under his eyes, and proper proper scary face in his jaw. My paranoia was fed. I kept feeling it happen to my own face, but it wasn't! I spent the whole of Saturday just checking the mirror to make sure it wasn't.

Am and Camilla came over to pick Sibz up. There was still pill in my system (I'd only taken one!) Camilla told me to sleep it off. Good advice, but I couldn't sleep. I tried to smoke enough skunk that I would just be knocked out. It didn't work. I vowed never to touch pills ever again.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, at about 6am on Saturday morning, Ryan had arrived, on pills, and apparently that had been quite good fun, but I was avoiding the world for most of it.

At some point, maybe midday we were in the livingroom and I was coming down, and everyone was just playing computer games. I was sitting on the sofa by myself and I just needed a hug so much, but I couldn't open my mouth to ask for somebody to just sit with me and put their arm around me because I was so scared I'd do scary face. I was nearly crying, but my body wouldn't release any water. Not enough for urine, certainly not enough for the floods of tears I needed.

Anyway, at maybe 3pm? or so, I don't know, I had no concept of time - Ryan and Hiero went out, when they came back with Imran at about... 6pm? I was still coming down hardcore. Ryan sat on the sofa next to me and asked if I was still coming down. I said yes. He put his arm around me and I lay on his chest. His heart was going so fucking fast. Like the speed of a cheetah playing drums. It was scary. I sat up and I was like, "You're up again aren't you!" and he was like, "No I'm not!" and I was like, "Yes you are! Your heart is going boom boom boom boom and you just came in and hugged me. You never hug!" Him and Hiero had indeed taken more pills.

I slept for slightly longer on Saturday, but not long enough. I spent the whole of Sunday coming down as well. That was rough. I actually did cry on Sunday. Quite a lot actually. I cried buckets in the kitchen, alone, with nobody to comfort me. I don't know why. I could have cried while somebody was there, I wanted to be hugged so much. But I suppose my need to be alone while I expressed grief overweighed that. I started thinking about the insignificance of humanity. Comedowns are not the best times to start having those thoughts.

On Sunday evening, I finally got home. I slept. I slept for 13 hours and on Monday I was STILL coming down. Grace phoned me up, I met up with her and Sibz on a bench in the park. I was still so paranoid about the face thing I was just holding my jaw to make sure it didn't jump. Then... let me think... Becky came first, and then Sibz left, and then Brendan and Cameron came? That might have been in a different order.

Anyway we were all sitting on the bench talking, laughing at all the fat people jogging past and then some guy comes up to us and asks for a cigarette. Cameron was the only one who was smoking, so he said that it was his last one and the rest of us said we didn't smoke. We're poor teenagers, we don't have money to be giving away cigarettes to strangers.

He went away and we thought nothing more of it. But then he came back, and told us that if we didn't give him one of our phones, he was gonna "call his niggers round the corner" and get them to beat the shit out of us. I was still coming down when this happened. On MONDAY. Having taken the ONE pill on FRIDAY. So I just started shaking. Seriously. And the worst thing was that my phone started ringing. That's the second time that's happened. It's a good thing it's on silent the whole time.

He threw his bike at Brendan, and Becky was like, "It's his birthday you know!" so he tried to throw the bike at her, but he dropped it. Brendan stood up, and the guy was like threatening him. I can't keep my mouth shut when my friends run into beef, even if I'm in no state to fight myself. I was like, "Don't you dare fucking touch him" he kinda looked at me with distain. I don't care. If I'd been told to fight, not to run, I would have. As it was, I was told to run.

I didn't run though, I didn't really beileve that the guy had backup although I was absolutely terrified and shaken, and because I got a few meters away and realised that I'd left my phone behind.

Brendan gave me his bag, and told me to just run and he'd go back for it. He did. Becky and Grace had run way ahead, I was shaking and Cameron had his arm around me and was trying to make me move faster. I couldn't. Brendan got my phone and me him and Cameron hid in the station. Brendan went outside to look for Becky and Grace, and Cameron consoled me and rang Grace. They were fine. We all met up again and went to meet Ryan at the Angel.

On the way, Grace walked into a shop. Grace smokes a lot of cigarettes, so I thought she was probably gonna buy some of those, but nope. She comes out with a little bottle of Vodka. Apparently she hadn't actually meant to buy it. She'd gone in, and said, "A disposable lighter and a bottle of Vodka" when the man had asked what size, she'd meant to say, "Actually I don't have any money, I don't know why I said that. Just the lighter" Instead the words that had come out of her mouth were, "A small one" Her body thought for her. Classic.

Obviously there is loads and loads of stuff that I've missed out. Weekends are usually eventful. But that was mine. Will I stick to my vow never to take e again? Probably not. I'm gonna wait at least a month though, and I'm going to seriously need to counsel myself enough that I can learn that "scaryface" is actually kind of normal, everybody gets it at some point if they take e and it's not worth not having a good time because of it.

There is actually so much other stuff... I can't be bothered to write it all down though. At least this way it's vaugely chronological. I've quite enjoyed writing it all down as well, because Saturday, Sunday and Monday were so shit, but writing the whole thing has made me remember Friday as well. I did have a good time on Friday, and now I have an urge to just tell everybody that I meant everything that I said to them, and it wasn't just because I was on pills. Because it's all true. E doesn't make you lie. It makes you tell the truth, the stuff that really comes from the depths of your heart.

It is all true. Every syllable. Hehe. Next time I take E, I'm gonna have to try to lie, just to see if it is actually possible.

Oh yeah, the other thing is - I am a little bit scared of the physical effects of ecstasy you know. On Friday afternoon, I got out of the bath, and I got straight onto the scales because I hadn't weighed myself in ages. I was 9 stone. On Sunday evening when I got home, I did the same thing. I was only 8 and a half. That's 7 pounds gone. In one weekend. That is not normal.

8 and a half stone is like the weight I've always wanted to be, and now it's really annoying because I can't aspire to lose any more weight. Grrr. I have to build muscles instead. I don't want to be skinny, I want to be toned.

Okay okay. I'll shush now. I've learned much this weekend - most importantly - it takes me a long time to go "up", I stay up for a long time, and it takes me a long time to come down. I will remember this for future reference.