Note To Tristan

If I want a new topic I'll get one.

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I wonder whether she's got it. Sibz. I got one weirdo text message from her last night, or more accurately Ryan was manhandling my phone at the time and so it was he who got it first.

It's a beautiful night and not the last. This really is the epitome of teenage life. I think I've found the meaning of life. Do I disconnect myself now? My head is filled with junk. 5mins in and I've forgotten why. Tell Harry I loved him once. I doubt you'll see me anytime soon. Sibz.

Well you can imagine, that threw me and Ryan off a little bit. Half of that sounds a bit like a suicide note, half of it sounds like a 14 year old who has for the first time in years woken up on the right side of the bed.

It reminded me of something though. It reminded me of all the times I've been to Devon or Cornwall with my dad, and I've left my tent at night and stared up at the stars. I've gone for a walk at 4 in the morning along a road that I don't know that well, without my phone or any other means of my father contacting me should I get lost. It reminded me of all the times I've looked over a clifftop at night and it has taken my breath away. It reminded me of all the times we've driven facing into the sunset.

So she's worked out how beautiful life is. I don't doubt that for a moment.

The meaning of life though? No. If she were to discover the meaning of life her stupid fears and phobias would be irrelevant to her now. She would love life but she would never fear death.

But she hasn't because it's all for one thing. It's all because between us me and Grace managed to drop her in the shit when she lied to her mum. It's because her mum is angry and probably threatens to never let her go out again. So she reacts with the meaning of life. Something to console herself with when material values are threatened in a way.

Teenage life has nothing to do with anything though. Everybody's head is filled with junk. It's the necessary junk that's ugly but needed. It keeps us going despite the empty space we keep for the happy parts. It has nothing to do with receiving some weirdo text message about the meaning of life.

Ryan called her to check that she was okay and everything.

I'm glad she's had her first one of those moments though, it means that I won't be held back anymore.

And we all know it's 42 anyway.