I'm so tired of wishing. Wishing I could be somebody, make a difference, help people. It's all turned to ash though, along with my personality. I know that I can't ever really help anybody, not really. I can be a cousellor, but that won't save them from cancer. I can be a lawyer, but that won't save them from suicide. I can be a doctor, but even that won't save them from eachother or themselves.

And the nauseating pain of worthlessness. The horrible futile feeling - it's come back.

It's something I'm ashamed of. The fact that I can't control my feelings. sometimes I feel happy for no reason what so ever, and then I start creating reasons to justify my happiness. Sometimes it's the other way around, but either way, it's not like I'm the one who brings about these emotions. They're hormones, which if I'm honest probably have little relavance to my life. I would probably feel just as futile right now as if I was dictator of the goddam world.

This world is a whore.

I was going to phone Ryan yesterday. Then I remembered that his whole family probably think I'm really stalkerish by now. I am clingy. So I went back to sleep. And then I woke up again and considered calling someone else, but decided that nobody really wanted to see me. So I went and tidied the kitchen. Then I realised that I was only tidying the kitchen for money, not to be helpful. And by then I really didn't like myself very much. So I went back downstairs and lay there for god knows how long, trying not to think.

My personality seems to be gone. If it was ever there to begin with. And what there is left of it simply irritates me. Every time I say so much as a word, I want to knock myself out for being such an irritating cow. Why am I so fucking boring and annoying? I just say the same things over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over... and it doesn't matter. Nothing I say matters.

I can't make myself proud of any of my acheivements. Partly because what I think of as my greatest acheivements all seem to involve violence. Hitting Tamzin, hitting that awful girl in the church. It's not really that much to be proud of.

If I was going to hit Tamzin, it should have been when she hit Sibz. Straight away. A simple, direct and painful reaction, when there were people watching who were my friends as well as hers. When I actually did hit her, it was drawn out and painful. I think I started crying before I actually did it, and everybody watching me was either cheering Tamzin on, or telling us to stop.

See I can never do anything right. I try, I make a wrong decision. I become angry with people for personality traits so closely resembling my own.

But what I hate most is boring people. I can't dislike them, but I just have nothing to say to them. I don't want to be bored and idle chatter bores me. But I think I'm quite boring. Oh nevermind, my brain is just so jumbled up today. Ryan doesn't listen to me because apparantly if everybody listened to me all the time, they'd all be as confused as I am.

Aren't they already? Am I not simply voicing the confusion of the many?