There's got to be something more than this. It's so much to take in. Infinity. Humanity. It's all so so so much. I used to think about it so much when I was only a little girl. The capacity of the human brain, how infinity and eternity can possibly be. Have I deteriorated since then? Become less able to think about such things as I've become more able to put such things into words?

It's impossible. I mean one person, the simplest person on the world, they still have so many thoughts. Unique thoughts and ideas and combinations of beliefs, and when one person, one simple boring person dies for instance, all those thoughts are lost. Do they go on? Continue somewhere else? Are there infinate worlds out there? I don't know, but they're lost to this world.

In an infinate number of worlds things would be less rational. In infinate worlds there would be infinate possibilities. There would be worlds where enourmous 8 foot long sparrows suddenly fall into the centre of London every couple of centuries... every couple of weeks in some of the parrallel universes. Because they're infinate. Infinate Infinate Infinate It's not possible. It really just is not possible. Or is it? Can there be any other option?

My head feels like its about to explode. There isn't any capacity for any more. How can there be? There really must be something more and yet there can't be.

This isn't inspired by anything. Just mushrooms and science fiction and maths and just science in general. Just the world and its beauty and its ugliness and the universe. Only everything. That's all. Meh.

I wonder if any of that made any sense.

Is this really all? I don't believe in the Christian God nor the Muslim God nor the Jewish God nor any of the Hindu, Sikh, Wiccan Gods or Goddesses. Because they're all completely illogical. It might as well be a giant hippo that speaks Japenese that runs the world. It makes just as much sense and the possibilities are infinate. But more likely it's just evolution and the big bang and all that crap. I don't really believe in the big bang. The universe might well actually be infinate. Is the universe infinate?

Are there more than one? Is it not really a matter of our time and space? Is there another universe in another place completely impossible to travel to with any technology? Are there many?

Is life actually real? Is this a dream? Then what is dreaming? What random creature created me? Maybe the only thing that actually exists is thought and conciousness, which is just trapped in emptiness and creates its own world because there is nothing else. Maybe even emptiness doesn't even exist. Maybe there is nothing.

Nothing?

Is it possible? Is it possible? Is any of this possible?

It's impossible and certain all at the same time. How. How. How.

My mind does not have enough strength to work with all of this irrelevant information. I've trained it to only work with things that I can actually do and change. That kind of means I've also trained it out of things that aren't impossible but highly unlikley. Like me actually making a difference to the world. Isn't that sad?

Now all I know how to do is brush my teeth and shit and pay bus fares and I've trained myself to love money, I admit it, I never loved it before but I needed a purpose. I've really been sucked into the bullshit that is the capitalist dream. I'm lost. I'm stuck. I don't believe in anything. I hate myself. I hate the world. I can't do anything about it because I've kind of half convinced myself that I have to try and half convinced myself that there's no point. So I can kind of think that I'm trying but not put myself in danger. Kind of a survival thing.

Am I actually talking this much bullshit all in one sitting? I am and in a weird way it seems like it matters even though it can't really?

Have I progressed or deteriorated?

I know that when I'm tripping I'm preoccupied with my childhood. With the things that mattered then. There's a reason. I cared then. I thought and I thought about irrlevant things like this. I couldn't express them but I thought about them.

And now I've kind of forgotten how.

There. I said it. There was something before but now I'm a shell.

I'm not high. I'm not on anything. I haven't gotten stoned for over 24 hours. I won't anymore either. Fuck that. Fuck that. I want to go back. I want to be a child again when my mind was full. When I actually used my brain. Maybe the reason we only use such a small percentage of our brains is that we forget how to. Maybe we're in the final stage. Maybe we were full and intelligent beings in the life before this one and now we're lost.

Hey there's a thought. Maybe there are other lives. Maybe humanity is when we're old and degraded and have barely any thought left. Or maybe it's just the begining. Maybe it's neither. Maybe it's all we are and all we will ever be.

Is there more?