I was quite a smart child. By the age of 10 I had worked out what I, and everybody else for that matter, was looking for out of life. Through careful deduction I discovered that the most important thing in anybody's life was happiness. What's the point in living if you're not happy? The mission, as it were, is to make yourself as happy as you can possibly be before you die. But it's not really that straight forward. Happiness isn't something that builds up and up and up. Happiness is something that rocks backwards and forwards. The speed and extent of this process very much depends on the individual and their own life. But it is kind of a mental thing.

I was walking home from college today thinking about my mood. I didn't really have one until I thought about it for a while, but upon doing that I decided that I was probably content. That's accurate. I am. But I wasn't yesterday, yesterday I was depressed in the morning, happy in the afternoon and too tired to feel anything by evening. The day before I was happy but very much in need of spliff. The day before I was quite down all day. The day before that... well this is starting to stretch my memory, but you get the picture. Emotional rollorcoaster at the moment.

It's partly because of Ryan and Becky I think. I have weird mixed feelings. She's the first person I've ever actually known who's fucked Ryan, and I know her well. I see her every day, I have both Politics and English with her. And I like her a lot you know, she's one of the very few people I'd approve of Ryan going out with, she deserves him and he deserves her. But she's so fucking horny! I never get to see either of them on their own anymore and when they're together she always tries to steal him away for sex. Can the girl not go more than a day!?

It makes me lonely too. Ryan, Grace, Hiero - they're kind of my best friends. And Becky and Ben are my best friends at college. Now Grace is fucking Hiero and probably gonna end up going out, Ryan's fucking Becky and Cameron is now fucking my supposedly "Lesbian" ex girlfriend, which I wouldn't mind if he wasn't so arrogant about it. I mean it's hardly a compliment is it? He just looks a bit like a girl. And he's also cheating on his girlfriend, Amy, who I never used to like at all, but over the course of the weeks have grown an affection for. And everybody knows but her, and I feel so fucking mean. And the worst thing is Cameron and Caroline were being rude about all of us. And Caroline's being so bitchy to Grace, her supposed "Best friend" and Grace is fucking depressed enough as it is.

So okay, not just lonely, also pissed off.

I'm gonna take up swimming though. I'm gonna go in the mornings before college, which should be nice. Especially now that I have nice short hair. I might get my bike fixed and take up cycling as well. I'm quite big on fitness at the moment, I'm not sure why. I guess it's my legs. I will not rest until they're perfect. Also it's annoying that I now look like a boy but only have the strength of a girl.

I'm coming closer and closer towards happiness though, in spite of everything. Things are getting better even though they're getting worse. Bad things are happening, but doors are opening. Life has once again become kinda fun. I probably won't be saying this tomorrow, but ah fuck that, I have to stop forgetting what happiness is like when I'm feeling sad, but I also have to stop forgetting what sadness feels like when I'm feeling happy. That's the only way to any kind of intelligence.

I had an exam today. It seemed like it went kinda well, but I didn't actually get that much down, and I had so many other points to make. I need to write faster. Oooh ooooh ooooh and smoking.

I'm kind of waiting for an opportunity to stop smoking (cigarettes) It just doesn't seem to be there yet. Darn it. Maybe if I actually start doing morning runs with Ryan, I'll stop then.