When I wrote that entry about Sibz, I wasn't doing it to help her understand what she was doing wrong. I wrote that entry because I wanted to hurt her as badly as I possibly could, by showing her the truth, made more exreme by the fact that it was hidden behind a callas tone. I wanted to hurt her because I felt that she deserved it. It was an act of pure vengeance.

On principle, I don't believe in vengeance. That's why I believe that prison conditions should be better and that the death sentence is wrong - it's been proven that neither the death setence nor bad prison conditions deter crime, and so they have no point other than making somebody suffer.

On principle I don't believe in it. That doesn't mean that I have not imaginined George Bush dying a thousand different ways. That does not mean that I did not ever wish I was born in America, just so I could bring a bunch of guns to school and destroy every person in the damn building because of what they did to me. That does not mean that if I could, I would take slapping that girl in the church back (I've actually always been very proud of myself for doing that. Still am.) It also does not mean that I do not enjoy to hurt people.

It's something that I'm ashamed of. I'm ashamed that the pain of others can make me feel so good about myself. But it can and it does.

I don't like it when I say things I don't mean though. I say them without thinking and then for pride and fear of sounding stupid, I can't take them back.