So, Sibz thinks we're dominated by drugs. Our lives revolve around them. It's an interesting point. I don't think there's a shred of doubt in my mind that she's 100% right. I'm just slightly doubtful about why I should be unhappy about this?

We're still living the summer. Or trying to anyway. But you can't carry on living the summer after it has died. We're divided. Those who go to college and those who have dropped out. Sigh. Why are the dropouts so much smarter than the people who still go?

There's a whole wave of immaturity at the moment. Or so it seems. I can't connect with anybody in the AS year. The only two I have much respect for are Grace and Hiero, but I feel distanced from them. Grace would never admit it, but they are less mature than us. A year makes a much bigger difference than anyone could possibly imagine.

I did my UCAS form. I deferred entry. I'm taking a gap year bitches! I'm having a year of working and partying! A good reason to just accept the drugs. They're beautiful. I thought about cutting back, then I thought... no. When I'm not stoned, I'm just miserable. That's not because I've been stoning for too long. It's because I was miserable before. Cannabis takes it all away. It calms you down and you can take one thing at a time.

It's about time I was on my way to somewhere better. Actually doing something. The thing is, I don't see anything much to do. And everything there is, is so organised. At the moment, more than ever before, I just want to be alone. I just want to be in my bed with a spliff and a book and a massive plate of chocolate cake. Just sitting there crying. Half because the book is so sad, half because so is life in general.

People spend so long trying to find the meaning. Why would there be a meaning? Life is... I don't know. It's worth the effort. But it's nothing special. You can do whatever you want with life, use your body however you want. I want to be stoned. That's all. That's how I want to live my life.

I want to do things, but I want to be stoned while I do them basically. I need to get away though.

I wish I hadn't defferred my entry. I don't want to do a gap year anymore.